Piece Of My Mind

A Piece Of My Mind will be served at http://vartikab.blogspot.com now onwards...
See You There!

Final presentation done.
Formalities completed.
Bags packed.
Mama I am coming home...

Yeah Ok the excitement isn't just about that.
2 months have become bygone...
Yet they seem like just begun!
Nostalgic I am yes...Walking by the campus...

Its strange to confess
But I have come to like Bhopal more than Jodhpur!
These 2 months will, in my memories remain 
For a long long time, as an awesome time.

Adios.

I am dreaming with eyes wide open…fearing to lose what i see if I close'em...

Imagination’s scintillating like a kid on the swings…

When a lot is to be said and words fail me; my thoughts surpass me…

Hundreds of moments in a flash…appear, blur, disappear…

Wishing for the lesser moon yet flying high…

Caressing the shells while the sand slips by…

The state I am in and the phase I am going through is indescribable...
We best know it by ‘Butterflies in the stomach’. J

Butterflies…

They went into hibernation…or perhaps they suffocated and succumbed…

Butterflies…

With newly born wings in sparkling bright colors are back…

Thankfully, Carrie found a term for it all...

The Zsa Zsa Zsu has found me again!

It's 4.20 on my computer's watch.
:D

I just had one of the most salutary discussions with a colleague here.

I want to cite the incident here coz I wish well to be reminded of the entire conversation some time when I land upon this post…

I do have access to a lot of fecund imaginations and motleyed perceptives but such chance encounters incessantly leave me a complex mix of thoughtful+ contemplative+ blessed in a strange way+ connected to life+ content+ lot lot more…

Don’t want to and really can’t even if I wish put down the whole discussion here…

Yes, it went around what may seem to some some of the beaten topics …but was on an all-together different level!

No coffee/drinks/walks involved…standing outside the canteen…a panorama of cerebrations unleashed! Loved every trice of it!

Yes, I never happen to post my whereabouts in a normal regular mode here.

I hear that my blog has a very ‘secretive’ and ‘metaphorical’ touch to it most of the times. That’s plausibly because I try and re-paint some blurred images here; re-organize some jumbled up mess…

To give all that a break, let me, for the records, narrate one of the many weekends in Bhopal here…

Saturday morning 3 of us left for Bhimbetka which is like 40-45 kms from Bhopal and is included in one of the world heritage sites. (India has 27 of these and Sanchi, where we went last weekend is also one of them). Bhimbetka has a significant place in history and mythology. It’s the place pandavas visited in their ‘agyatvaas’. It has ancient cave paintings dating 10000 years back. The area has these huge rock-caves cut out by water currents. The entire region was once under water and those sea-level marks are quite visible. There is a wildlife sanctuary nearby. Our guide insisted we leave soon as it was raining throughout. There was a fear of wild animals coming down to the caves/ rains blocking the road to get back. So, our one day trip was shortened to a quarter and we came back in the afternoon. Now we did something I have never done before…theatre hopping! Two amazingly ‘awesome’ movies back-to-back! ‘Aapka suroor’ and ‘Awarapan’. Yes, our appetite to take this much together surprised us as well! But it was a hilarious experience! Meeting HR! Or shall I say “It was a mistake. God Damn it!”:D(Those who have seen the movie will connect) If you don’t know yet; aapka suroor is headed to become a big hit this year…all HR fans are watching it…and HR critics are seeing it to ascertain what’s making the movie click! For all the lovers of bad movies (like myself), it’s a must-must watch!

After this rocking entertainment, we treated ourselves to continental at a pure ‘Jain’ restaurant! The weather was flirtatiously romantic all the time with varying patterns of drizzling and pouring. Towards the end, we were soaked. A chilling auto-ride later, we got back...and what better way to end a wonderful day than watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S with friends over Beer! Bliss!!! J

1)   You lie…in all forms, for any purpose, on my face and behind my back!
If you can’t stand by the integrity of your words, you can’t really stand by anything. You are a jerk. Period. 

2)  You are non-committed to your work. Ok so you took up something ‘others’ thought was ‘wow!’ You eventually agnize it’s not really what you ‘love’ to do or a job is being ‘thrust’ upon you. It’s still something YOU took up.
Commitments are the only thing you can claim to be yours. Keep up with them.

3)   You are indecisive. You are mistaken about your identity.Identity? Sorry, somewhere in between trying to be someone you are not and someone you can’t be, you have lost yourself. You have missed out on being the someone you should/could be.    

4)   You say you are a loner, emotionally dead, empty inside.
Expectations, to-and-fro can stay off. ‘No strings attached’ is how you like it.
In all honesty, you are scared. Confused? No. SCARED! Scared to be responsible.
You are an escapist who look for ways to ‘escape’ when the ‘pressure’ takes its toll on you. You find retreat to the ‘highs’ of smoke, alcohol and temporary company.
You, the ‘independent individual’ is a slave to non-living things.A scared coward.
Plain and simple.

5)  You are a mob follower. Sorry, a mob worshipper. You believe in playing safe and calling a collective opinion yours. You always favor the beaten path. Majority delimitate your ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’. In between the cognitive process of having a ‘clean’ face in the crowd, you are just becoming another dismal face in the crowd.
Acceptance is what you look for, and that’s just what you have lost.   

6)   You generalize. Everything is black or white. Grey is something you fail to see. Nothing and no one is an exception. Don’t try to see patterns where they don’t exist.
Recognize and accept the ‘specials’ and treasure them.   

7)   You forget. “Promises are meant to be broken” and you make sure you do that! Duh!  Pen it down! Set reminders; maintain a log-book/ diary/ to-do list. Circle up the squares on your calendar. Highlight. Instead of making “To err is human” your safety weapon.
Put efforts to make-up for your otherwise screwed up memory! 

8)   You judge but hate to be judged! You judge anyone and everyone by their habits, acts and attitude. You exploit your right to express. You comment and call names.
You tell others to “Get a life” when you are the one who needs to get it the most!

9)   You waste your supposed talent; brood some but waste it still. YOU WASTE.
You lack the guts enough to call quits.

10) You are a Chauvinistic pig! Every task comes with a gender differentiating label for you. Get it straight: Chivalry, to some extent, is impressive; 
Chauvinism, in all respects:immodest and immature.

*You is a multivariate multitude.

I was re-organizing the documents on my lappy today…Windows make it so easy.

Select, ‘Shift + Delete’ and gone. Gone forever. Drag and drop. Prioritize. I wish well I could incorporate some of these commands into my own processor…yes remember ‘Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’.

Wow! ‘Shift+ Delete’ is such an enticing operation…would be awe-fuck (that’s my ‘awesome’ lately) without the recklessly growing baggage.

How about ‘Alt+Shift+Delete’…to enlist the running applications in one’s mind in a flash! Click and close the inutile ones who fail to respond.
‘Enter’ and exit the mess! The Task Manager is at your service ma’am and now you troubleshoot! It will tell me the exact usage of my grey cells and the most consuming program and I can shut it straight off!

The God of all things… ‘Ctrl+Z’! Do whatever, whenever, wherever, however and then sit pretty please feigning, shamming, living the ‘done’ which never happened! You get to explore all your options, gratify all your desires and conform to all your curiosities with no ‘price to be paid’, ‘lesson learnt’, ‘part of the parcel’ attachments!

And the option of optional security…provide passwords to certain segments and see…access denied! No Entry. No encroachment or ‘space violation’. Hello, Hi, Go, Bye!

And there is no end to this growing list of Herculean commands…my whims are running wild!

Computers…we made them…Computers…we want to be them.

 

Another favorite:

Could you ever steal a prayer to deny your God
Could you ever buy your love and not count the cost
Could you ever take a life when all was lost
And would it ever be enough

Could you bite the hand that feeds you and then ask for more
Could you kiss the wound that bleeds spit it on the floor
Could you open up your heart then close the door
And would it ever be enough

Every word you whisper
All the tears you hide
You die for love when it's alive
But where does love go when it dies

If you came across your dream would you walk on by
Hold a candle to the wind and just let it die
And is there room inside your mind for one more try
And would it ever be enough

I watch the time go rushing by it's like an ocean wave
Showing you no mercy throwing dirt upon your grave
You're drowning in the darkness and you're blinded by the light
And there ain't no prayer that's gonna save you now

If you woke up from your sleep blood on your hands
Would you wash the pain away no one understands
There must be someone out there who can help you breathe again
And would it ever be enough

What's different?
Something is...I have so many variant thought processes triggering off by the day...I do scores of mental postings but end up putting nothing in shape...
My routine, my lifestyle, my time...everything's different.
Assumptions, expectations, suppositions...different!
My beliefs, my notions and my deep rooted faith...
Altering, modifying, renovating, dying. Daily.
And that's just one aspect of how lately everything's different!

When your expectations are not from yourself, the best way to meet them is to alter them.

Welcome to the 21st year of my life!

The unadulterated adulthood!

****numb****

As a child, I was inseparable with books (I divulge the obsession is diluted now). I used to read throughout my meals, in between car drives lying on the back seat, sulking during selected regimented classes in school hours and almost everywhere … yawning books under my head during siesta… lively books in my arms on a stroll.                                  
As I said, inseparable!

What I never underwent were bed time story narrations… spinning yarns and fabricating anecdotes …
yes the famous ‘daadi –naani ki kahaniyan’ was a feature unidentified to me.

It’s close to no more like that now.Yesterday I did sleep with the diary of Anne Frank being read to me.I admit the theme was defined and the odds of on the spot cookery zilch. Nevertheless, the content was unknown to me and so I relished the recitation.
All thanks to my Microsoft Reader.:)

Technology every so often reminds us of our unconscious desires by meeting them in a certain sense.

" The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."

~ From TROY
(watching Kal ho naa ho for the umpteenth time...)

" We hurry up to grow up only to wish we were a child again."

After an era, this calling in me took me to the terrace.

Surprisingly,I never felt the need or desire all this while…to walk alone.

I wanted to be unaided with my thoughts…rather wanted to figure out if I am left with any!
No seriously, because off late it feels like I m no more within the boundaries of my body. Disunited and segregated. Comfortably numb.

I walked in. It was dark. I looked up for the moon. That’s the first thing I look for in a night sky. No sign. But my eyes could sense the light...My mind...poignant or oblivious or numb…I don’t know. The moon’s absence was missed but not coveted. In few seconds, my eyes got used to the dimness.
They always get accustomed to the obscurity in no time. Then I saw something darker than the darkness around. My shadow. It was moving brazenly in front of me. It was leading me. I turned and started walking in the opposite direction.
I decided not to be led tonight…by anything. The conversation instigated. I discovered I do have some parts of me left intact.
The nocturnal sky is miraculous.
I saw scores of planes flying by. Planes soaring in a night sky have always amused me to no extent. They have been the diverse characters of the drama staged every night in the premises of my evolving creativity. As a kid, I assumed them to be planets, comets, UFOs, birds with lamps, flying houses and what not; just to feed my imagination. 
Planes soaring in a night sky.
Sometimes the assumptions and illusions are ridiculous, but amazing to live with. Planes soaring in a night sky. This is the reality.  Gazing more, I saw Ursa Minor and Orion…right over my head. Orion…it has always been there…right over my head! I mused over the analogies I associated with it, especially the romantic ones. Asinine I know but again, awesome to live with! And thus sprang up the whole tide. Everything came back to the shore…pearls, pebbles, shells, stones. Everything.
It resurfaces just when you are sure the fossil has taken shape!

The conversation recommenced. Silence tagged along. The absence of the moon was felt again.
I looked afar again, tried to follow the light. The night sky…farther down was crimson.
All of a sudden I saw something I have never seen in actuality.
A SHOOTING STAR!

And then a voice asked me “Did u come here to see this one?” The voice was so distinct and so familiar.

I called YOU by your name again. The kid with all her hypothesis, postulations, analogies and symbolisms was back.
Yes, reunion it was!

I associated the site to so many things and I could still do more of it…finding something when you are not looking for it. So, what I was looking for was probably a very narrow horizon? And that is how I had defined my own confined infinity. I could not move for few moments. I was really really really awe-inspired. A voice again said “Make a wish.” I silently wished for it to happen again!

Dear Shooting Star! Let's meet again!!!

A Piece FOR My Mind:

I am. I think. I will.
My hands . . . My spirit . . . My sky . . .
My forest . . . This earth of mine. . . .
What must I say besides? These are the
words. This is the answer.
I stand here on the summit of the mountain.
I lift my head and I spread my arms.
This, my body and spirit, this is the end
of the quest. I wished to know the meaning
of things. I am the meaning. I wished
to find a warrant for being. I need no
warrant for being, and no word of sanction
upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.
It is my eyes which see, and the sight of
my eyes grants beauty to the earth. It is
my ears which hear, and the hearing of my
ears gives its song to the world. It is my
mind which thinks, and the judgement of
my mind is the only searchlight that can
find the truth. It is my will which chooses,
and the choice of my will is the only edict
I must respect.
Many words have been granted me,
and some are wise, and some are false,
but only three are holy: "I will it!"
Whatever road I take, the guiding star
is within me; the guiding star and the
loadstone which point the way. They point
in but one direction. They point to me.
I know not if this earth on which I stand
is the core of the universe or if it is but
a speck of dust lost in eternity. I know not
and I care not. For I know what happiness
is possible to me on earth. And my happiness
needs no higher aim to vindicate it.
My happiness is not the means to any end.
It is the end. It is its own goal.
It is its own purpose.
Neither am I the means to any end others
may wish to accomplish. I am not a tool
for their use. I am not a servant of their
needs. I am not a bandage for their wounds.
I am not a sacrifice on their altars.
I am a man. This miracle of me is mine
to own and keep, and mine to guard, and
mine to use, and mine to kneel before!
I do not surrender my treasures, nor do
I share them. The fortune of my spirit is
not to be blown into coins of brass and
flung to the winds as alms for the poor
of the spirit. I guard my treasures:
my thought, my will, my freedom.
And the greatest of these is freedom.
I owe nothing to my brothers, nor do
I gather debts from them. I ask none to
live for me, nor do I live for any others.
I covet no man's soul, nor is my soul theirs
to covet.
I am neither foe nor friend to my brothers,
but such as each of them shall deserve
of me. And to earn my love, my brothers
must do more than to have been born.
I do not grant my love without reason, nor
to any chance passer-by who may wish to
claim it. I honor men with my love.
But honor is a thing to be earned.
I shall choose friends among men, but neither
slaves nor masters. And I shall choose
only such as please me, and them
I shall love and respect, but neither
command nor obey. And we shall join our
hands when we wish, or walk alone when
we so desire. For in the temple of his spirit,
each man is alone. Let each man keep his
temple untouched and undefiled. Then let
him join hands with others if he wishes,
but only beyond his holy threshold.
For the word "We" must never be
spoken, save by one's choice and as a
second thought. This word must never be
placed first within man's soul, else it
becomes a monster, the root of all the evils
on earth, the root of man's torture by men,
and of an unspeakable lie.
The word "We" is as lime poured over men,
which sets and hardens to stone, and crushes
all beneath it, and that which is white
and that which is black are lost equally
in the grey of it. It is the word by
which the depraved steal the virtue of
the good, by which the weak steal the
might of the strong, by which the fools
steal the wisdom of the sages.
What is my joy if all hands, even the
unclean, can reach into it? What is my
wisdom, if even the fools can dictate to
me? What is my freedom, if all creatures,
even the botched and the impotent, are my
masters? What is my life, if I am but to
bow, to agree and to obey?
But I am done with this creed of corruption.
I am done with the monster of "We,"
the word of serfdom, of plunder, of misery,
falsehood and shame.
And now I see the face of god, and I
raise this god over the earth, this god whom
men have sought since men came into being,
this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride.
This god, this one word:
"I."